Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Proff Of Heaven

There must be a Heaven. I have confirmed the existence of Hell, Walmart during holiday shopping season. Nothing says holiday spirit like having the growing urge to club everyone invading your personal space with a baseball bat to the tune of Jingle Bells. Where is Quentin Tarantino with a holiday movie I can relate to? There can't be a Heaven without a Hell. Hell most certainly exists at Walmart in late November. No wonder online shopping is so popular. Come to think of it, the grocery store was just as hellish. People, seriously, how many kids to you have to have before you have yourself fixed? What is up with people that can't seem to go to the store without all seventeen members of the family? Dude, it sucks to get stuck behind you. Clear the f---in' aisle so other people can shop! Please, watch your damn kids. There's a guy with candy and a white cargo van just waiting for them. "I don't know how this could have happened to me, I just turned my head for 80 or 90 minutes." Have a happy Thanksgiving. I personally am thankful for condoms and the people that use them.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Me 101

101. My name is: Jim

100. I was born in: The log cabin that I helped my Dad build.

99. I am really: A lesbian trapped inside a man's body.

98. My cell phone company is: Making money.

97. My eye color is: Determined by D.N.A.

96. My shoe size is: Big enough to get me dates.

95. My ring size is: Don't go there.

94. My height is: 6'

93. I am allergic to: Cats.

92. I was born: Me too.

91. I am annoyed by: Polititians.

90. Last book you read: Rocket Surgery for Dummies.

89. My bed is: Leaking air like my last girlfriend.

88: One thing you hate about yourself: I can't think of anything.

87. My favorite Holiday is: Halloween.

86. The perfect kiss: Is a pleasant surprise.

85. The last three cd’s I bought were: In 1987.

84. Are you living at home: I'm living in someone's home but they don't know about it.

83. Do you have any siblings: No, I just got tested, I'm clean. Oh, that's what it means? One brother.

82. Are your parents divorced: Yes.

81. What did you do yesterday: I went to Jerome, Arizona and made a live recording of my buddy Rich's band.

.:::I Believe In:::

80. Love at first sight: Oh, I'm certain that it happens all the time.

79. Luck: I like a little in my coffee now and then.

78. Fate: Only if it's meant to be.

77. Yourself: If I don't, who will?

76. Aliens: Totally, haven't you ever been to Home Depot?

75. Heaven: Every dead person I've ever talked to says it's true.

74. Hell: The abscence of God.

73. Ghosts: The abscence of life.

72. Horoscopes: Only in the hands of a real astrologer. NOT MISS CLEO.

71. Soulmates: I can barely find mates to my socks.

.:::Which is Better:::

70. Hugs or Kisses: Hugs.

69. Drunk or High: Highly drunk.

68. Phone or Online: Online.

67. Red heads or Black haired: If they shave, how do you know?

66. Blondes or Brunettes: See question 67.

65. Hot or cold: Depends, hot beer sucks and so do cold fries.

64. Summer or winter: Winter.

63. Fall or Spring: Fall, I vaguely recall seasons.

62. Chocolate or vanilla: I've had both, both are tasety.

61. Night or Day: Night.

60. Oranges or Apples: I like apple pie, never had orange pie, so, apples.

59. Curly or Straight hair: I hear that Asian women have straight, oh that hair, doesn't matter.

:::Here’s What I Think About:::

58. Abortion: Too bad you don't know what kind of person they'll be before you make that decision.

57. Backstabbers: Good arguement for abortion.

:::Last time I:::

56.Had food? I threw up. New diet, it's called the undercooked chicken diet.

55. Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: I said hello to that person.

54. Cried in front of someone: When I knew for sure that I was in love with Katy Holmes, jumped on my couch for about an hour.

53. Who is the ditziest person you know? I'd rather not say, the person I'm thinking of is just too nice.

52. Who makes you laugh the most: All my friends make me laugh.

51. The last movie I saw: Lipstick Lesbian Sorority 5, much better than 12.

50. What I don’t understand is: I don't think there's enough room in cyber space for the answer to that.

49. The thing that I’m looking forward to: Is my next breakup. They don't even hurt anymore.

48. Someone I always really miss: The girl I breakup with.

47. The thing that I’m not looking forward to is: That magic part of a new relationship when you first meet and you get butterflies in your stomach, I hate that.

46. Tomorrow: Less commonly known as the day after today.

45. Today: Less commonly known as the day before tomorrow.

44. Next Summer: I'll be sweating.

43. Next Weekend: Watching porn and eating cup cakes.

42. People call me: All sorts of things.

41. The person who knows the most about me is: The C.I.A.

40. The most difficult thing to do is: Remember where the hell I live when I'm drunk.

39. I have gotten a speeding ticket: For speeding, not sure where to go with that one.

38.My zodiac sign is: Sagitarious.

37. The first person i talked to today was: Some crazy person, I talk to myself a lot.

36. First time you had a crush: It was orange.

35. The one person who i can’t hide things from: The troll that lives underneath the stairs, he knows everything, even where I put my keys.

34. Last time someone said something you were thinking: No one can even guess what I'm thinking.

33. Right now I am talking to: No one.

32. What is your dream job? Gentle without teeth digging in.

31. First real job? Rocket surgeon for the government.

30. I have/will get a job: If I meet the right girl.

29. I have these pets: None.

28. I wish: Mexico was a better place to live.

27. The worst sound in the world: Leaf blowers.

26. The person that makes me cry the most is? George W. Bush, I laugh so hard I tear up and can't breathe.

25. Best sound in the world: Pssssssh... bubble, bubble, glug, glug, fizz.

24. Person[s] that makes you happy: You mean what parts of me get happy? Don't understand the question.

23. Florida or Hawaii: What's the point spread?

22. My favorite piece of clothing: My Betty Ford Clinic hat.

21. Last time I cried: I was laughing so hard.

20. My friends are: Growing up, how boring.

19. My computer is: A Commodore 64.

18. The school I go to is: I don't go to school.

17. Last person I got mad at: Won't live forever.

16. The all-time best movie is: Throw Mama From The Leaky Prophylactic.

15. The all-time best feeling in the world is: Sex.

14. I lose all respect for people who: Molest children.

13. The movie I cried at was: Wizard of Oz, I was three. Mean old lady taking D's dog Toto.

12. TV channels you watch: History Channel, Animal Planet, Comedy Central, Spike, FX, Fox and Travel Channel.

11. Favorite web site: Mine.

10. I like/love: Chicken wings.

9. The worst pain I was ever in was: After I ate some bad chicken wings.

8. My favorite word is: Yes.

7. My room is: Attached to the rest of my place.

6. My favorite celebrity is: Santa Claus.

5. My weakness is: Guinness.

4. What I like about the opposite sex is: Women are kinda um, gosh .... uh pretty. I like boobies!

3. Who broke your heart: How would I know her name? I guess I could get it off the restraining order.

2. One thing that makes you feel great is: Taking candy from a baby, then replacing it with a healthy nutrious piece of fruit.

1. One person that you wish you could see right now: I'm not really in the mood for company right now.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Hot August Night

"Phoenix is an old Apache word that means Jesus Christ it's f-ing hot!"
-Ollie Joe Prater

It is so hot here in Phoenix, Arizona. It's August which means there is no relief even at night. The heat is oppressive. The only thing that keeps me from going completely crazy is the thought that there are only nine more days of August left this year. I know, there are places that get a lot of snow dumped on them in the winter. The good news, you don't have to shovel heat. One day I hope to become a snowbird. For those unfamiliar with the term, snowbirds live where summer is a nice thing and spend their winter in Arizona. It's the best of both worlds really. October is when it usually starts getting nice. Maybe that's why I love Halloween so much. The weather is nice, the cactus start changing color (not really), and women dress like prostitutes. "I'm not a prostitute, I'm a witch." Only if the witch is a hooker. The witch part is Jim Gaffigan's material. Jim was on That 70's Show. He was the manager at the hotel where Hyde, Kelso and Eric Foreman worked. You may have seen him in one of several Sierra Mist commercials. Jim's no fool. He's not coming to Arizona until the first part of next year. He's not going to deal with our summer heat. My friend Eddie Elliott goes on tour during the hot part of the year. I'm not sure where I'm going with this entry, I'll blame it on the heat.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Another Survey, Why Not, It's Been Awhile

1. Do you know anyone in prison? Not yet.
2. Have you ever logged onto a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush's myspace? Yes.
3. When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? A year ago, I had a craving, the jelly's still in the fridge.
4. Do you have a desk in your room? They're all my room, so, yes.
5. Have you ever gotten naked at a party? Can it really be called a "party" unless you're naked?
6. What kind of car insurance do you have? Caveman, lizard, Taco Bell dog... What was the question?
7. Are you named after one of your parents or grandparents? Yes, my grandmother's name is Jim as well. Just kidding. My grandfather.
8. Does your first significant other still live in the same town as you? No, she was so ashamed she left the country.
9. Do you throw up gang signs? Gang bulls*#t makes me want to throw up.
10. Have you ever broken a rib? Mine or someone else's?
11. Would you rather be a girl or a guy? I've always felt like a lesbian trapped inside a man's body.
12. Who is the most spoiled person you know? My nephew.
13. Would you rather have a million dollars or true love? I've had a million true loves... I'll take the cash.
14. Have you ever had sex in church? No, I'm not Catholic so I've never been an alter boy.
15. Is your boyfriend/girlfriend a marine? No.
16. Do you watch the Grammy's? No.
17. Would you ever work for the border patrol? Tuff job, I wouldn't want to do it but I'm glad there are people that do.
18. Which one word would describe your last relationship: Over.
19. Would you rather date someone 2 years older then you or 20 years older? What an obvious "chick" question.
20. Have you ever slept outside in a tent? Yes, ask Sheriff Joe.
21. Do you have a porn collection? Collection? I've had to employ the Duey Decimal System, it's a library.
22. How many proms have you been to in your life? Three. They were so magical. I'd make the prom dresses disappear.
24. Is your birthday on a holiday? My birthday is a freakin' holiday, in my mind.
26. Do you have any friends or family in the War right now? No, thank God. How long does it take to pipe all the oil out of a country and set fire to the rest anyway?
28. Do you worry about global warming? I worry about my beer getting warm. I don't really care for globes, I'm a relief map kind of guy.
29. Do you like polar bears? Weird, Coca Cola asked me that same question several years back.
30. Have you ever taken back a cheater, only for them to cheat again? I LOVE SLUTS, but no.
31. What kind of birth control do you use? The mental image of that fat, hairy woman with the eight screaming kids that I saw at the supermarket.
32. What slang word(s) do you call marijuana? Drugs are bad. I don't want to glorify weed by refering to pot in slang terms. Mary Jane use has become a chronic problem. Look at Cheech & Chong, those guys haven't worked since the 70's. That's because smoking blunts causes people to lose all their motivation. I'll bet they just melted into the couch like on those t.v. commercials. Melting into the couch is more like an acid trip than a pot thing.
33. Are you an atheist? No, I wouldn't know how to tell God.
34. Did you lose your virginity to your neighbor? No.
35. Did or do you think your childhood dreams will come true? Yes, one day I'll be rockstar firefighter cowboy detective in outer space.
36. Do you wear your sweetie's clothes? No, neither does she if I have anything to say about it.
37. What's your opinion on gold diggers? Never met one, wonder why.
38. Are you a country or city girl/boy? I thank God I'm a country boy but then they took me down to Paradise City which was great because before that I was standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona because Dr. Feelgood told me to take it easy. That's were I met Layla and she offered me cocaine. She said it would make me feel wonderful tonight. I said no because I've heard those kind of promises and it's already after midnight. I told her I'd had enough bad love and she assured me she was a sweet hitch-hiker. We traded her drugs for two tickets to Paradise. We're staying with her cousin Beth who works at a bar called The God Of Thunder where they specialize in cold gin. We partied there our first night but it got helter skelter because there were too many people. What was the question?
39. Is your car a 2001 or higher? It's a convertible, or transformer or something.
40. Do you go pee as soon as you wake up in the morning? It's the only reason I get up in the morning. Then I have some coffee so I can pee some more.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

As Moments Pass Gathering Memories....


A colleague of mine passed away Monday night. His name was Roger Falcone. He would come to work at special events for the company I work for. I'd usually work with him at least twice a year. He was only forty five years old. The story that I've heard is that he was out to dinner with a spa dealer in Texas and had a heart attack. They say he was dead before he hit the floor. Roger really seemed to love selling spas. He's what they call in the field of sales a "closer." I learned many things about sales from him. This October, when we have our winter warehouse sale will be wierd without him. That's Roger on the left of the picture, Ron Westbrook in the middle and Dave Lundburg at the end.

August now holds two unexpected deaths for me. Two years ago my sister-in-law's mother Becci died. Roger died two days before the 2nd anniversary of Becci's passing, which coincidentally, is my sister-in-law's birthday. It's got me thinking about how every day you live could be the last. I wonder if I could be a better me. I'm sure I could.

Monday, July 9, 2007

"People, I just want to say, you know, can't we all just get along?"
-Rodney King

It was a conversation last night with a couple of friends and a lot of Starbucks coffee that inspired the question "Why isn't the world embracing peace?" I can't honestly say that I've ever met anyone opposed to the idea. If so many people desire peace, why does it seem unlikely? That's where the blame game starts. I've decided to blame ignorance. Now that I'm "anti-ignorance" I have to stop being ignorant. The first stop on the journey is to learn more about the world's major religions. One could spend a lifetime in study of these but I'm not looking to become an expert. I only want a better understanding of what they are about. My plan is to research, study and form my own opinion. I'm not doing this to enlighten anyone other than myself. I do encourage others to do the same.

Monday, July 2, 2007

A New Path

"The secret is the answer to all that has been, all that is, and all that will ever be."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

It has been suggested to me that we are the sum total of our thoughts. It has also been suggested to me that people tend to focus on what they don't want and not what they want so it sends the wrong message to the universe. Pretty heavy stuff for my blog isn't it? I have talked to numerous single people and asked them what they are looking for in a mate and they say "I know what I don't want." They can't for the life of them understand why they attract the same kind of people time and time again. I couldn't figure it out either. I think I get it now. I'm going to digest this information and perhaps write more on the subject later.