Proff Of Heaven

There must be a Heaven. I have confirmed the existence of Hell, Walmart during holiday shopping season. Nothing says holiday spirit like having the growing urge to club everyone invading your personal space with a baseball bat to the tune of Jingle Bells. Where is Quentin Tarantino with a holiday movie I can relate to? There can't be a Heaven without a Hell. Hell most certainly exists at Walmart in late November. No wonder online shopping is so popular. Come to think of it, the grocery store was just as hellish. People, seriously, how many kids to you have to have before you have yourself fixed? What is up with people that can't seem to go to the store without all seventeen members of the family? Dude, it sucks to get stuck behind you. Clear the f---in' aisle so other people can shop! Please, watch your damn kids. There's a guy with candy and a white cargo van just waiting for them. "I don't know how this could have happened to me, I just turned my head for 80 or 90 minutes." Have a happy Thanksgiving. I personally am thankful for condoms and the people that use them.

Me 101

101. My name is: Jim

100. I was born in: The log cabin that I helped my Dad build.

99. I am really: A lesbian trapped inside a man's body.

98. My cell phone company is: Making money.

97. My eye color is: Determined by D.N.A.

96. My shoe size is: Big enough to get me dates.

95. My ring size is: Don't go there.

94. My height is: 6'

93. I am allergic to: Cats.

92. I was born: Me too.

91. I am annoyed by: Polititians.

90. Last book you read: Rocket Surgery for Dummies.

89. My bed is: Leaking air like my last girlfriend.

88: One thing you hate about yourself: I can't think of anything.

87. My favorite Holiday is: Halloween.

86. The perfect kiss: Is a pleasant surprise.

85. The last three cd’s I bought were: In 1987.

84. Are you living at home: I'm living in someone's home but they don't know about it.

83. Do you have any siblings: No, I just got tested, I'm clean. Oh, that's what it means? One brother.

82. Are your parents divorced: Yes.

81. What did you do yesterday: I went to Jerome, Arizona and made a live recording of my buddy Rich's band.

.:::I Believe In:::

80. Love at first sight: Oh, I'm certain that it happens all the time.

79. Luck: I like a little in my coffee now and then.

78. Fate: Only if it's meant to be.

77. Yourself: If I don't, who will?

76. Aliens: Totally, haven't you ever been to Home Depot?

75. Heaven: Every dead person I've ever talked to says it's true.

74. Hell: The abscence of God.

73. Ghosts: The abscence of life.

72. Horoscopes: Only in the hands of a real astrologer. NOT MISS CLEO.

71. Soulmates: I can barely find mates to my socks.

.:::Which is Better:::

70. Hugs or Kisses: Hugs.

69. Drunk or High: Highly drunk.

68. Phone or Online: Online.

67. Red heads or Black haired: If they shave, how do you know?

66. Blondes or Brunettes: See question 67.

65. Hot or cold: Depends, hot beer sucks and so do cold fries.

64. Summer or winter: Winter.

63. Fall or Spring: Fall, I vaguely recall seasons.

62. Chocolate or vanilla: I've had both, both are tasety.

61. Night or Day: Night.

60. Oranges or Apples: I like apple pie, never had orange pie, so, apples.

59. Curly or Straight hair: I hear that Asian women have straight, oh that hair, doesn't matter.

:::Here’s What I Think About:::

58. Abortion: Too bad you don't know what kind of person they'll be before you make that decision.

57. Backstabbers: Good arguement for abortion.

:::Last time I:::

56.Had food? I threw up. New diet, it's called the undercooked chicken diet.

55. Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: I said hello to that person.

54. Cried in front of someone: When I knew for sure that I was in love with Katy Holmes, jumped on my couch for about an hour.

53. Who is the ditziest person you know? I'd rather not say, the person I'm thinking of is just too nice.

52. Who makes you laugh the most: All my friends make me laugh.

51. The last movie I saw: Lipstick Lesbian Sorority 5, much better than 12.

50. What I don’t understand is: I don't think there's enough room in cyber space for the answer to that.

49. The thing that I’m looking forward to: Is my next breakup. They don't even hurt anymore.

48. Someone I always really miss: The girl I breakup with.

47. The thing that I’m not looking forward to is: That magic part of a new relationship when you first meet and you get butterflies in your stomach, I hate that.

46. Tomorrow: Less commonly known as the day after today.

45. Today: Less commonly known as the day before tomorrow.

44. Next Summer: I'll be sweating.

43. Next Weekend: Watching porn and eating cup cakes.

42. People call me: All sorts of things.

41. The person who knows the most about me is: The C.I.A.

40. The most difficult thing to do is: Remember where the hell I live when I'm drunk.

39. I have gotten a speeding ticket: For speeding, not sure where to go with that one.

38.My zodiac sign is: Sagitarious.

37. The first person i talked to today was: Some crazy person, I talk to myself a lot.

36. First time you had a crush: It was orange.

35. The one person who i can’t hide things from: The troll that lives underneath the stairs, he knows everything, even where I put my keys.

34. Last time someone said something you were thinking: No one can even guess what I'm thinking.

33. Right now I am talking to: No one.

32. What is your dream job? Gentle without teeth digging in.

31. First real job? Rocket surgeon for the government.

30. I have/will get a job: If I meet the right girl.

29. I have these pets: None.

28. I wish: Mexico was a better place to live.

27. The worst sound in the world: Leaf blowers.

26. The person that makes me cry the most is? George W. Bush, I laugh so hard I tear up and can't breathe.

25. Best sound in the world: Pssssssh... bubble, bubble, glug, glug, fizz.

24. Person[s] that makes you happy: You mean what parts of me get happy? Don't understand the question.

23. Florida or Hawaii: What's the point spread?

22. My favorite piece of clothing: My Betty Ford Clinic hat.

21. Last time I cried: I was laughing so hard.

20. My friends are: Growing up, how boring.

19. My computer is: A Commodore 64.

18. The school I go to is: I don't go to school.

17. Last person I got mad at: Won't live forever.

16. The all-time best movie is: Throw Mama From The Leaky Prophylactic.

15. The all-time best feeling in the world is: Sex.

14. I lose all respect for people who: Molest children.

13. The movie I cried at was: Wizard of Oz, I was three. Mean old lady taking D's dog Toto.

12. TV channels you watch: History Channel, Animal Planet, Comedy Central, Spike, FX, Fox and Travel Channel.

11. Favorite web site: Mine.

10. I like/love: Chicken wings.

9. The worst pain I was ever in was: After I ate some bad chicken wings.

8. My favorite word is: Yes.

7. My room is: Attached to the rest of my place.

6. My favorite celebrity is: Santa Claus.

5. My weakness is: Guinness.

4. What I like about the opposite sex is: Women are kinda um, gosh .... uh pretty. I like boobies!

3. Who broke your heart: How would I know her name? I guess I could get it off the restraining order.

2. One thing that makes you feel great is: Taking candy from a baby, then replacing it with a healthy nutrious piece of fruit.

1. One person that you wish you could see right now: I'm not really in the mood for company right now.

Hot August Night

"Phoenix is an old Apache word that means Jesus Christ it's f-ing hot!"
-Ollie Joe Prater

It is so hot here in Phoenix, Arizona. It's August which means there is no relief even at night. The heat is oppressive. The only thing that keeps me from going completely crazy is the thought that there are only nine more days of August left this year. I know, there are places that get a lot of snow dumped on them in the winter. The good news, you don't have to shovel heat. One day I hope to become a snowbird. For those unfamiliar with the term, snowbirds live where summer is a nice thing and spend their winter in Arizona. It's the best of both worlds really. October is when it usually starts getting nice. Maybe that's why I love Halloween so much. The weather is nice, the cactus start changing color (not really), and women dress like prostitutes. "I'm not a prostitute, I'm a witch." Only if the witch is a hooker. The witch part is Jim Gaffigan's material. Jim was on That 70's Show. He was the manager at the hotel where Hyde, Kelso and Eric Foreman worked. You may have seen him in one of several Sierra Mist commercials. Jim's no fool. He's not coming to Arizona until the first part of next year. He's not going to deal with our summer heat. My friend Eddie Elliott goes on tour during the hot part of the year. I'm not sure where I'm going with this entry, I'll blame it on the heat.

Another Survey, Why Not, It's Been Awhile

1. Do you know anyone in prison? Not yet.
2. Have you ever logged onto a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush's myspace? Yes.
3. When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? A year ago, I had a craving, the jelly's still in the fridge.
4. Do you have a desk in your room? They're all my room, so, yes.
5. Have you ever gotten naked at a party? Can it really be called a "party" unless you're naked?
6. What kind of car insurance do you have? Caveman, lizard, Taco Bell dog... What was the question?
7. Are you named after one of your parents or grandparents? Yes, my grandmother's name is Jim as well. Just kidding. My grandfather.
8. Does your first significant other still live in the same town as you? No, she was so ashamed she left the country.
9. Do you throw up gang signs? Gang bulls*#t makes me want to throw up.
10. Have you ever broken a rib? Mine or someone else's?
11. Would you rather be a girl or a guy? I've always felt like a lesbian trapped inside a man's body.
12. Who is the most spoiled person you know? My nephew.
13. Would you rather have a million dollars or true love? I've had a million true loves... I'll take the cash.
14. Have you ever had sex in church? No, I'm not Catholic so I've never been an alter boy.
15. Is your boyfriend/girlfriend a marine? No.
16. Do you watch the Grammy's? No.
17. Would you ever work for the border patrol? Tuff job, I wouldn't want to do it but I'm glad there are people that do.
18. Which one word would describe your last relationship: Over.
19. Would you rather date someone 2 years older then you or 20 years older? What an obvious "chick" question.
20. Have you ever slept outside in a tent? Yes, ask Sheriff Joe.
21. Do you have a porn collection? Collection? I've had to employ the Duey Decimal System, it's a library.
22. How many proms have you been to in your life? Three. They were so magical. I'd make the prom dresses disappear.
24. Is your birthday on a holiday? My birthday is a freakin' holiday, in my mind.
26. Do you have any friends or family in the War right now? No, thank God. How long does it take to pipe all the oil out of a country and set fire to the rest anyway?
28. Do you worry about global warming? I worry about my beer getting warm. I don't really care for globes, I'm a relief map kind of guy.
29. Do you like polar bears? Weird, Coca Cola asked me that same question several years back.
30. Have you ever taken back a cheater, only for them to cheat again? I LOVE SLUTS, but no.
31. What kind of birth control do you use? The mental image of that fat, hairy woman with the eight screaming kids that I saw at the supermarket.
32. What slang word(s) do you call marijuana? Drugs are bad. I don't want to glorify weed by refering to pot in slang terms. Mary Jane use has become a chronic problem. Look at Cheech & Chong, those guys haven't worked since the 70's. That's because smoking blunts causes people to lose all their motivation. I'll bet they just melted into the couch like on those t.v. commercials. Melting into the couch is more like an acid trip than a pot thing.
33. Are you an atheist? No, I wouldn't know how to tell God.
34. Did you lose your virginity to your neighbor? No.
35. Did or do you think your childhood dreams will come true? Yes, one day I'll be rockstar firefighter cowboy detective in outer space.
36. Do you wear your sweetie's clothes? No, neither does she if I have anything to say about it.
37. What's your opinion on gold diggers? Never met one, wonder why.
38. Are you a country or city girl/boy? I thank God I'm a country boy but then they took me down to Paradise City which was great because before that I was standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona because Dr. Feelgood told me to take it easy. That's were I met Layla and she offered me cocaine. She said it would make me feel wonderful tonight. I said no because I've heard those kind of promises and it's already after midnight. I told her I'd had enough bad love and she assured me she was a sweet hitch-hiker. We traded her drugs for two tickets to Paradise. We're staying with her cousin Beth who works at a bar called The God Of Thunder where they specialize in cold gin. We partied there our first night but it got helter skelter because there were too many people. What was the question?
39. Is your car a 2001 or higher? It's a convertible, or transformer or something.
40. Do you go pee as soon as you wake up in the morning? It's the only reason I get up in the morning. Then I have some coffee so I can pee some more.

As Moments Pass Gathering Memories....

A colleague of mine passed away Monday night. His name was Roger Falcone. He would come to work at special events for the company I work for. I'd usually work with him at least twice a year. He was only forty five years old. The story that I've heard is that he was out to dinner with a spa dealer in Texas and had a heart attack. They say he was dead before he hit the floor. Roger really seemed to love selling spas. He's what they call in the field of sales a "closer." I learned many things about sales from him. This October, when we have our winter warehouse sale will be wierd without him. That's Roger on the left of the picture, Ron Westbrook in the middle and Dave Lundburg at the end.

August now holds two unexpected deaths for me. Two years ago my sister-in-law's mother Becci died. Roger died two days before the 2nd anniversary of Becci's passing, which coincidentally, is my sister-in-law's birthday. It's got me thinking about how every day you live could be the last. I wonder if I could be a better me. I'm sure I could.

"People, I just want to say, you know, can't we all just get along?"
-Rodney King

It was a conversation last night with a couple of friends and a lot of Starbucks coffee that inspired the question "Why isn't the world embracing peace?" I can't honestly say that I've ever met anyone opposed to the idea. If so many people desire peace, why does it seem unlikely? That's where the blame game starts. I've decided to blame ignorance. Now that I'm "anti-ignorance" I have to stop being ignorant. The first stop on the journey is to learn more about the world's major religions. One could spend a lifetime in study of these but I'm not looking to become an expert. I only want a better understanding of what they are about. My plan is to research, study and form my own opinion. I'm not doing this to enlighten anyone other than myself. I do encourage others to do the same.

A New Path

"The secret is the answer to all that has been, all that is, and all that will ever be."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

It has been suggested to me that we are the sum total of our thoughts. It has also been suggested to me that people tend to focus on what they don't want and not what they want so it sends the wrong message to the universe. Pretty heavy stuff for my blog isn't it? I have talked to numerous single people and asked them what they are looking for in a mate and they say "I know what I don't want." They can't for the life of them understand why they attract the same kind of people time and time again. I couldn't figure it out either. I think I get it now. I'm going to digest this information and perhaps write more on the subject later.

Love Is Grand

"Love is grand, especially when you can be just as happy when your friends find it as you would be for yourself. "
- Jim O'Kelley

My friend Bob has found love. I'm not talking about the kind of love you have for the universe. I'm talking about that special love that two people share together for one another. I found myself happy for them. Why am I not filled with envy? Why am I not thinking the worst? Why am I not thinking thoughts like "Where's my happiness?" I don't know why, but it sure feels good to be happy for them.

Negativity is like cancer. I intend to find a cure. Maybe the cure just found me.

Serious Stuff

I'm going through a phase right now. This phase consists of being completely honest with myself. I was drinking a lot and very often. I asked myself a question. Why? The answer surprised me. I was feeling like I failed to grow up. My definition of what grown up is was something I've tried but didn't find much success with. I was escaping every chance I could because I felt like a failure. My definition of grown up was getting married, buying a house, having a couple of kids, white picket fence... bla, bla, bla. My definition of grown up was wrong. Those are things that people do because they want to not because it makes them feel grown up. I changed my definition. Grown up is meeting your responsibilities, becoming wiser not bitter for your experiences, and not losing what makes you who you are. Bettering yourself has little to do with material things. Then, I thought about it. What is there to escape from? I have a pretty damn good life. So, it's back to writing and recording songs. I don't care who likes them, they're for me. I'm getting too old to be a rock star anyway. Just call me Stella because I'm getting my groove back. On second thought, don't call me Stella. I'll keep the groove though.

Can YOU answer 23 Questions About Your # 2?

Another questionnaire. Thanks someoddgirl. This one is about the #2 on your Myspace friends list. No, not what you normally think when you hear #2, you're #2 friend. Personally, I leave them were they came in unless someone gets their feelings hurt or I made a big deal about my placement on their page. I would not be good at assigning a number to everyone I know. There are too many on the same level.

1) What's their name? Eddie.

2) What is their sexual orientation? Straight.

3) Where did you meet them? I heard one of his songs and thought it was great, then I learned he was my next door neighbor.

4) What was your age when you first met? Thirty, I think.

5) Is this person one of your friends? Yes, a very good one at that.

6) Say something that only makes sense to you and that person. See number twenty-three.

7) Is this person older than you? Yes, not much though.

8) When was the last time you saw this person? Sunday, June 10th.

9) Do you miss them? Yes.

10) Are you related to this person? No.

11) Do you have nicknames for each other? Not really.

12) Is that person bringing sexy back? What the hell does that mean? He would probably say yes with a straight face then a signature Eddie Elliott belly laugh.

13) Do you think that person will repost this? No.

14) Why is this person # 2 on your top friends? They can't all be #1. It's just how it rolled in.

15) Have you seen this person cry? I've seen him get choked up.

16) Do you know this person's last name? Yes, Elliott.

17) Do you tell them a lot about your life? Yes.

18) Doing anything tonight with them? No, he's on tour making music and living the dream.

19) If yes, What? If yes, chicken wings and beer.

20) Do you love them? Of course.

21) Would they date you? That's not the kind of love I have for him. His wife wouldn't be happy either.

22) What's something the person is obsessed with? He has the annoying habbit of trying to make the world a better place. What really pisses me off is that he's doing a good job of it.

23) Does this person make you laugh? All the time. The latest thing that makes us laugh is when we hug someone, we hold on until it get's kind of uncomfortable and weird; then we let go and laugh. Good times.

1991

1991

Today's entry is courtesy of Captain Paul. It seems I'm a sucker for these things so I filled it out. The questions are based on the year you graduated from high school.

1. Who was your best friend? Dennis.

2.What sports did you play? Does quarters count?

3. What kind of car did you drive? 1985 Chevy Blazer.

4. It's Friday night, where were you? House party, desert party, movie, or bowling then Denny's.

5. Were you a party animal? I thought so.

6. Were you considered a flirt? Did I flirt? Yes.

7. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? No.

8. Were you a nerd? I didn't think so, but probably. Who wasn't?

10. Can you sing the fight song? Not really.

11. Who were your favorite teachers? Ghandi, Christ, Socrates, oh and Mr. Roberts.

12. Where did you sit during lunch? At a table like a civilized human being.

13.What was your school's full name? Shadow Mountain High School.

14. School mascot? Matador.

15. Did you go to Prom? Yes, several of them.

16. If you could go back and do it over, would you? What, Prom? No thanks, everytime I put on a tux these days someone gets married.

17. What do you remember most about graduation? Sweating, it was HOT.

18. What was your favorite class? Creative Writing.

19. Where were you on senior ditch day? I don't remember where I was yesterday. It's a pretty safe bet that I wasn't at school.

20. Were you in any clubs? You mean... like a gang? No.

21. Where did you go most often for lunch? Arnold's, with Potsie and the Fonz. When I was allowed off campus for lunch we went all kinds of places; home, Pizza Hut (Back when they had dine-in), Peter Piper, Taco Bell, Tamborino's, Uncle Sam's, Burger King and Paradise Valley Mall Food Court.

23. What did you do after graduation? Drink.

24. When did you graduate? 1991.

25. Who was your Senior prom date? Bridget.

26. Are you going to your 10 year reunion? Yes, six years ago.

27. Who was your home room teacher? I don't know, I'm not sure that I knew then either.

28. Who will repost this after you? I don't know.

29. Who was your high school sweetheart? Sharon.

30. Do you still talk to people from high school? Yes, they pop up from time to time.

31. Are you where you'd thought you'd be in life? No, I have indoor plumbing, electricity, a cell phone and I don't live with my parents.

55 Quirks About Me

I got this from a myspace bulletin posted by someoddgirl. I thought it would be fun to answer and post.

55 Quirks about me:

1)What are your initials? J.B.O. II.

2. What is your favorite thing to wear? A knowing grin.

3. Last thing you ate? A ham sandwich.

4. I say "SHOTGUN", you say? Hunting with the vice president.

5. Last person you hugged? My nephew.

6. Does anyone you know wanna date you? Only they would know.

7. The last place you went out to dinner? Outback Steakhouse.

8. Who is your best friend? All my friends are best friends, I don't have time for meaningless associations.

9. Why are you still up? They won't let me sleep at work.

10.Who/What made you angry today? I haven't been angry today.

11. Favorite type of Food? People food.

12. Favorite holiday? Halloween. It asks so little of me.

13. Do you download music? Not so much.

14. Do you care if your socks are dirty? Sure, why put them in the hamper if they are clean?

15. Would you date the person who posted this? I did once.

16. Has anyone ever sang or played music for you personally? Yes.

17. Do you love anyone? No, I love everyone.

18. Have you ever bungee jumped? Bungee what??

19. Have you ever gone white-water rafting? On purpose?

20. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you? Does my scout leader count?

21. Have you met a real redneck? Does my scout leader count?

22. How is the weather right now? Hot.

23. What are you listening to right now? The voices in my head, mostly.

24. What is your current favorite song? Key West by Eddie Elliott.

25. What was the last movie you watched? Indiana Jones - The Last Crusade.

26. Do you wear contacts? No.

27. Where was the last place you went besides your house? I went to buy a 37" LCD HDTV.

28. What are you afraid of? Whatcha got?

29. How many piercings have you had? Three.

30. How many pets do you have? None.

31. What's one thing you've learned this year? Only one thing?

32. What do you usually order from Starbucks? Coffee.

33. Have you ever fired a gun? That reminds me of the last thing my father said before he died. Jimmy that gun's loaded! I'm just kidding, I didn't shoot my father. Well, I didn't kill him.

34. Favorite TV show? House.

35. Do you have an iPod? I used to.

36. Who would you like to see right now? My iPod.

37. Favorite movie? The Wizard Of Oz.

38. Do you find yourself loved? It's unavoidable. I've tried.

39. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't ? I entered an isle in the music store that someone cut the cheese in and someone else walked up and thought I did it. It was funny.

40. Favorite flower? Venus Flytrap.

41. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn? Swimming in real butter, lightly salted.

42. What Magazines are you reading? They have porn on DVD now, no need for magazines.

43. Has anyone you were really close to passed away recently? Yes, real close, about six feet away. Don't romanticise suicide, it's gross.

44. What's something that really bugs you? Traffic.

45. Do you like Michael Jackson? Never met him.

46. Is your best friend attractive? They all are in some way.

47. What's your favorite smell? The smell of the Phoenix Mountain Preserve after it rains.

48. Favorite baseball team? The Bad News Bears.

49. Favorite cereal? Bacon & Gravy-O's. The bacon stays crispy in the gravy. Just add milk.

50. What's the longest time you've gone without sleep? With or without the aid of meth?

51. Last time you went bowling? It's been awhile, never been very good at it.

52. Where is the weirdest place you have slept? Next to my ex-wife. Well, it seems really weird now.

53. Who was your last phone call? My employer.

54. Who was your last text message? My herbal supplement specialist.

55. What's the closest orange object to you? One of Sheriff Joe's chain gangs with the orange vests. I think they are women. They're picking up trash by the road.

Back From Re-Hab

I've been getting in touch with my feelings while going through re-hab. I don't like re-hab, I don't like feelings but at least I remember why I started drinking to begin with. I've learned that you can't depend on other people and If you don't believe in God or some higher power, the burden rests solely on your own shoulders. Instead of getting screwed up on alcohol they encourage you to get screwed up on God. It seems to me that there should be more to it.

Myspace

Okay, every one's doing it, the myspace account. I have one now. What a pain in the ass that was. It took more than an hour to come up with a password. The worst part is that every time you enter another password you have to type what the goofy looking text says in the box only to have to come up with another password. It has something to do with keeping out spam. I tried so many different passwords that I didn't think I'd remember the one that finally worked.

Being new to the myspace thing means I don't know what's up when I get a message from someone. I got a message from a girl before I even got my picture up (probably a good thing). Is it some sort of mass mailing? I'm not writing back, she doesn't smoke or drink and she talks a lot about Jesus. I don't have anything against Jesus but it is always a red flag to me when a woman brings up religion right away. It means she's going to make it her mission to save me from the devil. The ironic thing that I don't often tell women is that I'm a legally ordained Christian minister. I don't do much with it these days and it's easier to just not bring it up. Christian women like to point out that I drink too much. I tell them that Jesus turned water into wine so it's okay to be a wine-o.

At this time I have one friend on myspace, Tom. He's the guy you automatically get as a friend when you sign up. My myspace page is www.myspace.com/jimokelley if you want to check it out.

Thanks to Mike for your comment and encouragement on the Internet dating entry.

Internet Dating

I have never met a couple that met via an Internet dating site. Still, I wanted to know who these people are. I've been checking out the gals on Yahoo personals. I've gone through many profiles. One thing that they all have in common is that they all claim to be warm, down to earth and the life of the party. I'm calling shenanigans on these girls. They write tag lines like "Girls just want to have fun." or "Looking for love." What they should be saying is "Bitter raging bitch with kids and no social skills seeks rich guy who is also perfect for serious commitment." The truth is that they are not looking for what most men are looking for. Men are looking for a companion for social events and sex. Woman on these sites are looking for their knight in shining armor, whatever the hell that is.

My advice for women looking for a man is to simply say hello to them and start conversations. I know, I know, but Jim, you have to sift through too much garbage to find what you're looking for. Welcome to life and stop being lazy. Lazy is NOT attractive.

Women on these sites bitch about drama and head games. Most of the men I know aren't smart enough to play the head games that you women think they are playing. Here's how the "head game" goes. The woman says to the man that she needs more of a commitment or she's out. The man says he isn't ready and that she should see other people. Instead of making a clean break from this man she will "see other guys" and still hope the original guy will get jellous and make the commitment he isn't ready for. In the process, other guys meet this woman and will give her what she wanted from the other guy but she doesn't want it from them. She wants it from the original guy. So who's really playing head games here?

Weekend

Crazy turn of events over the weekend. Camping was canceled, my sister-in-law was sick. My apartment started crawling with Arizona Bark Scorpions. My lease is up on April 29th so I will not be staying there. I will be moving this weekend so I have too much to accomplish in a few days. The only thing that I hate more than moving is scorpions. What finally did it was that I found several over the weekend and last night I found one in the room that I sleep (slept) in. I'm staying on friend's couches until next Sunday.

Four Twenty

Today is April 20 otherwise known as 4-20. Pot smokers rejoice. I wondered why today is so significant to the Mary Jane friendly world so I did what any logical person would do, ask a stoner. For the sake of this entry we will call him Chong. Chong is a man in his late twenties with red eyes that I met outside of Taco Bell. His explanation for 4-20 is "Man, that's police code for marijuana possession." According to Wikipedia, Chong's definition is urban legend. So where did it come from? Again, according to Wikipedia, a group of high school students in San Rafael, California would gather at 4:20 p.m. to smoke cannabis. It caught on and now April 20th has become a sort of cult holiday.

In my Internet search of 4-20 I learned that April 20th was Adolf Hitler's birthday. It is also Joey Lawrence's birthday, whoa! Today is the eighth anniversary of the Columbine shooting. With all that considered, maybe smoking a little green stuff isn't so bad.

My advice for a happy 4-20? However you decide to spend it, don't commit genocide, murder in any form, get arrested for being stupid or shave your head and dance with the stars.

More Pictures

Above:Eddie's mom Sheila.
Below: Eric messing around with Kimberly and Ann.














Below: Troy the bartender













Front row: Dom and Jeremiah Back row: Mark and Eddie


I still have pictures from the weekend that I didn't publish yesterday so I thought I'd put them in today's post.

Last night was fun. My brother, sister-in-law, Eric, Paul, Deneen, Gary and myself went to one of those places where women take their shirts off and dance around poles. I believe they call them "gentlemen's clubs" although most of the men there were not acting like gentlemen. I met a nice young entertainer that called herself Kim. She asked me if I was a cop. I told her that not only am I not a cop, I never played one on t.v. either. She then asked me if I'd like to sleep with her for money. I said first of all, you'd probably hog all the covers and second of all I wouldn't charge you to sleep with me but I prefer to sleep alone. I'm only kidding. She did ask me if I was a cop though, I wonder why. Was she selling drugs?

Friends, Old And New

Top picture: Jim and Eddie Elliott. Middle picture: Jim and Mark Tipton. Bottom picture: Bob Makela and Jim.

It was a big weekend. My friends Bob Makela and his special friend Tamale came out from California for Eddie's cd release party. They stayed at my place while they were here. I wish I'd have had more time to spend with them but I had to work all weekend. We still managed to have a good time with the little time we had. We went to dinner on Friday night before we caught Eddie's show at the Dirty Drummer. I really liked Tamale, she says what she thinks and I like that. She clued me in on women that were flirting with me, I'm clueless about that sort of thing.

Eddie's show at Cave Creek Coffee Company was great. He packed the Camp. The area where they do the live music is called the Camp. Eddie had his brother Dom playing bass as well as open the show. Jeremiah was there playing guitar and mandolin. Dave (Kates) was on the drums and Mark Tipton was lending his talents on the horn. Mark was also on the new album. I was expecting an older guy but I think he told me he is twenty six. A few of the people in the crowd remarked that he looked like the prop comedian Carrot Top. I admit that I had thought of that but I expect that he might have heard that a time or two, so why be ordinary? Once he starts playing you forget all about Carrot Top anyway. The great songs that Eddie played are too numerous to site here but there is a new one that didn't make the album that I like a lot. I think it is called Dreaming Gets Me High. Maybe we should do a pre-production recording of that.

Tamale got a bottle of red wine for us to enjoy during the show and it was most enjoyable. After the show Bob, Tamale, Eric and I went to my place. Eric and I ended up having a dart tournement until four in the morning. Good times. There was so much going on last weekend that there was never a dull moment. Last night I went to bed at 9:00 and slept until I had to get up for work.

Eddie Elliott - Without Blue

My good friend Eddie Elliott is releasing his new cd next weekend. It is called Without Blue. This album is particularly special to me because I was there for the conception. Eddie and I did a lot of the pre-production at my home studio. It was about two years ago when we started the project. I don't know as of yet what tracks made the final cut but they were all good. Eddie added a horn player on some of the tracks and it's very tasteful. Dan Jenks (I hope I spelled that right) recorded the final masters and as usual he did a fantastic job. He did the last two Eddie albums Moving and This Time.

Singer, songwritter, entertainer, the real deal, my friend Eddie Elliott.